Grieve

i heard a whip-poor-will late last night here at my sanctuary / it brought me back to the first summer J and i were here / J was always enchanted by the love song of the reclusive little gray and brown bird / singing for its mate deep in the warm star crossed spring night / we have not heard one in 4 years now / how ironic

J showed up here early this morning / it was painfully clear she had not slept / she is actually an inch taller than i but seemed so small and defeated / it was heartbreaking to see her like this / she had planned to stay over to do some work on the house but said all she wanted to do was to start packing her things / she has given up / she is no longer in denial / she at long last has agreed to accept my settlement / we will go together to the arbitrator next week to embrace the legal process / we are finally over

i love J / i always will / my settlement will insure she is secure / but we are both in mourning / we have lost something that was once very special / there will always be a part of me that will ask if i could have done more / tried just one more time to explain how empty and aching and yearning i was all the time / i tried / i did / i did / so many times i pleaded / but it never made a difference / she was not able to give the things that would have stopped my pain / my loneliness / it was just not in her to offer

she is a wonderful woman / very bright and attractive and well liked / her rock and roll concert going social circle will embrace her / vilify me / my hope is that she can love again and find someone better suited to give her what she needs and so much deserves / someone that shares the things she loves

but now we begin the process / to cut away the last few threads that tie us together / and when i hear the whip-poor–will tonight singing /maybe for his old lover somewhere alone in the dark / i will surely think of J / and weep for us both

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